When a church leader chooses sexual sin, the effects of that sin are like a boulder dropped into a still pond. The ripples engulf everything in its path.
Though my husband and I have enjoyed a faithful marriage of nearly 39 years, the sexual sins of our church leaders have been like a series of boulders being catapulted into our lives at regular intervals. When I reflect on our church experiences over the last four decades, I realize that a disproportionate amount of our time and emotional energy has been spent dealing with the coverups of various church leaders. To put it mildly, it’s taken a toll:
We’ve been thrown under the proverbial bus when I inadvertently got too close to the truth our lead pastor had been hiding: we later learned he was addicted to internet porn and had been having an affair. To protect himself, he ruined my reputation by branding me a malcontent and gossip, driving our family from a church we loved. We discovered the elders knew all about his sin, and covered for him for years because they believed he was “anointed to lead” the fast-growing congregation.
We’ve witnessed the spectacle of victim-shaming first hand when a struggling young woman I was mentoring confessed to me that she was in a “friends with benefits” relationship with her ex-boyfriend, the youth pastor of our church. I encouraged her to share her story with the pastor and other church leaders. She was presumed guilty by church leaders, while the youth pastor was protected from losing his job because he was related to some of the church leaders. He lost his position only after it was revealed he was also secretly dating an underage youth group student.
We’ve watched sentiment attempt to overrule common sense when my husband, then an elder in a non-denominational church, had to deal with a man who wanted to serve in children’s ministry while was still on probation for statutory rape. Some in the congregation believed he’d evidenced a changed life and “deserved” a second chance. Never mind that this would have violated the terms of his parole and put the church in serious legal jeopardy.
We’ve been asked to keep toxic secrets – and refused. A church leader and her husband confessed to us they’d both had affairs in recent years, and didn’t want the rest of the church to know about it. She told us she believed the church would fall apart without her in her leadership role. We could not agree to this. As relative newcomers, we chose to leave the church quietly, stuck lugging their secret out the doors with us.
We’ve been called upon to support many people devastated by pastoral sexual abuse. I know too many #churchtoo stories, but perhaps the most painful came as my husband and I walked for more than a year with a woman reeling from the revelation that a male youth pastor had been sexually abusing her teen son (and several other boys) for years. The truth about the abuse came out after the youth pastor committed suicide. The woman’s son plunged into a deep depression as he struggled with feeling responsible somehow for the man’s death.
We’ve had to stand with a powerless victim of a lecherous pastor before a board of his peers. The truth eventually came out that this leader had a history of inappropriate relationships that had stayed just this side of full-blown physical affairs. He was removed from his position and the church sent him to counseling, which was a more hopeful ending than most we’ve witnessed.
I’ve wondered if my husband and I were sending off some kind of beacon that drew these troubles to us like moths as though we were lamps on a summer night. I don’t wonder anymore. For every big name celebrity pastor whose name hits the headlines because of unholy sexual behavior, I’ve heard more stories than I can count of those wounded by the selfish actions of leaders they trusted. (Thankfully, we have also known men and women of integrity and humility to counterbalance the bad leaders we’ve encountered.)
We well know there was no five-step quick fix to resolve any of these situations. Even as a bystander, I’ve brought my own sin into these situation in the form of angry frustration and words I’ve carelessly spoken out of turn. I’ve also been tempted to self-pity (“Why us? AGAIN?”). But as I reflect back, what makes me saddest about this string of stories is that the amount of time my husband and I have expended on them is time we have not been able to use for other, more life-giving pursuits.
In fact, we all suffer the effects, either directly or indirectly, of a leader’s fall. Those in a congregation not directly involved experience the effects of distracted leaders who are spending too much time either hiding their sin or having too many meetings, negotiations, and conversations once their sin has come to light. Teaching, worship, and discipleship are less than they could be for every member in a congregation when leaders are using their time and energy in dealing with sexual sin in the inner circle.
Another tidal wave ripple in the pond we’re all experiencing is the erosion of trust in our spiritual leaders. Earlier this year, Christianity Today reported the results of Gallup poll that noted that only 40% of the people they surveyed trust clergy to be honest and ethical, down from 67% in 1985. Once trust has been violated, it is triply-tough to rebuild that trust: a bit of innocence has been stripped from every member of a congregation when a leader falls, and the reputation of the Church tarnished in the local community and beyond.
Once the truth about a wayward leader emerges, every one of us in the Church is given a bit of additional baggage to schlep with us as we must process the hypocrisy of those we trusted to guide us spiritually. We in the Church may use occasions where a leader’s sin has been exposed to remind ourselves they’re clay-footed humans – just like the rest of us. That’s true, but so is the warning in James 3:1: “Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.” The well-meaning coaching to seek to trust God no matter what a fallen leader may do is helpful only up to a point. We have every right to expect faithfulness to God and the people in their care from our leaders. As a result, we also have every right to feel anger, confusion, and grief when one among us falls. We are all members one body. Of course we’ll feel it. We should.
I do. And I sorrow. Even as sin is being revealed among us, I recognize this spotlight as nothing less than the holy love of God searching us out, calling each one of us and all of us to confession, repentance, and humble pilgrimage forward. Truly, every single one of us carries a nest of sin within our brokenness. In that, we are not different than our leaders.
I contend that none of us are helped toward maturity when a leadership team’s response is a single, all-church meeting or elders’ letter informing us of a leader’s sin. We will not be able to org chart our way out of our current state. The boulders of sexual misconduct are all around us, threatening to shipwreck victims and bystanders alike. I remember well the folksy quote of a lay preacher I heard years ago: “You can do it God’s way, or you can do it God’s way.” We can submit to God’s ways right now or accept his discipline and re-formation later. The God who can move mountains (and boulders) can bring cleansing and renewal to us, and it will not look much like the minimal or nonexistent processing of leader’s s sins we see happening in some streams of the Church – the beautiful Bride – in this moment.
Questions for you: I don’t have many positive experiences to report when it comes to the way in which local churches handle sexual sin/power abuse by a leader. Have you seen a local church processing the revelation of a of a leader’s sexual sin in a healthy, redemptive way? What would that look like?
9 thoughts on “After A Leader’s Sin Has Been Revealed”
I don’t know what the cure is for this pastoral abuse, not only of the victims but for the rest of us around the edges watching, but I am struck with the prevalence of celebrity culture in institutional religion. The power kicks in, and leaders misbehave, “because I can.” And aren’t we the rather immature supporting cast, adoring our leaders and boards from the pews at all times? Boards are made up of pastor’s best buddies. And I’ve personally found in parachurch orgs, that there’s less accountability overall, than in a money making secular operation where the bottom line is dollars. (How sad and careless we become when the bottom line is souls.)
Fr Richard Rohr says the ego is the last to go. I’m thinking #metoo come to #churchtoo is an invitation for me to examine my own ego, pride, and penchant for privilege.
We’ve been in two churches where this came to light, both Music Ministers! We were involved with another church for 14 years and the minister is being accused. He denies it, but after reading some of the information about it, I don’t believe him. It’s all about how the church responds! If it’s biblical and it was in the first two situations everyone can survive and move on. Watching biblical principles at work is awesome. But unconfessed sin can destroy lives. I hope I’m wrong about the third situation. My heart is heavy for all the years I spent there wondering if any of the teaching was real!
nope – never out in the open, the times I am thinking about. and the ramifications are staggering in a couple of the cases even years later. This was a well-written article, Michelle. there is so much wrong about how all this is handled. thanks for writing it.
Thanks Michelle for writing and sharing this… Bless your heart! powerful confirmation of the systemic abuse of power going on in the institutional church today… and the cost to the priesthood of all believers is immeasurable. The state of the institutional church in our 1st world culture is appalling. I wish I had testimonies of situations the institutional church has processed well… but what I’m finding from a certain demographic is a deeply disturbing lack of empathy for those harmed, and instead protecting the leaders and the institution. Basically victims feel like they don’t matter and they are collateral damage sacrificed on behalf of the leaders and their ministry. Sadly, the celebrity culture has made pastors and leaders an elite group to carry out the work of the Kingdom, instead of equipping the priesthood of all believers to do the work. It’s about power and control for this elite group of leaders. Which is a lording it over, abuse of power, authoritarian style of leadership… which is the exact opposite of what Scripture calls leaders to do: be humble, honest, servant leaders.
I have submitted an overture to one denomination to address abuse of power… this is now on the agenda for their synodical gathering in June 2018… as Shirley Shepherd said in her comment here: It’s all about how the church responds! EOQ so we will see how the denom responds in June…
OVERTURE: ADDRESS PATTERNS OF ABUSE OF POWER THAT VIOLATE THE SACRED TRUST GIVEN TO LEADERS and RECOGNIZE HOW THESE HINDER DUE PROCESS and HEALING (pages 282-307, link to agenda in the following article)
Melinda – The celebrity culture issue looms large in Evangelicalism. In that, we aren’t so different (or counter-cultural!) as we like to think, because we ape American culture in this area. Rohr is right about the ego being the last to go. May this painful moment in Evangelicalism make us all grow up a little more.
Shirley – that erosion of trust affects us all. So sorry for what you’re facing. How do you avoid throwing the baby (faith) out with the bathwater (poor church practices) when a leader has been deceptive?
Carol – thanks. Those words mean a lot coming from you, a ministry veteran.
Bev – I looked at the agenda for your convocation. May God give you the courage to ask hard questions, and may he give the delegates the courage to wrestle with honest answers to them.
Dearest Michele, apparently God has given you and your husband a very tough and emotionally draining mission: to witness, speak out against pastoral, abuse and help restore victims. As hard as this must be for you and your husband, your boldness are gifts to our church community.
Thanks for this, I came over because I saw this retweeted by Dee Parsons of TWW. As a former elder in two churches where the leaders were corrupt, abusive and completely committed to maintaining their positions in authority over others at all cost, including lying about those who exposed them (including me and my family, among others), I have yet to see an example of a healthy church response to pastoral sin. People too often come to worship their leaders, systems, doctrine, brand–rather than Jesus. When that level of idolatry is present, it’s pretty much game over. The members will too often stab you in the back or watch you get stabbed in the back rather than stand up for you. You really find out who your friends are when an abusive leader becomes your enemy. It can be sobering to see how many relationships that you thought were based on a mutal love of Jesus were not real.
My experience was similar to ‘Law Prof’. I was hurt deeply by the power brokers which included one extreme bully. The Leaders refused my written request to outline to the membership what I was falsely accused of and there were those who knew I was innocent, but did nothing.
The state body were concerned that the matter may reach the media (who would have lapped it up) and in my opinion they are little better than the church that has hit the headlines. The hierarchy wanted it covered up and I did not matter. I suffered immense and ongoing mental pain until finally I handed it over to our redeemer and realised that it had ocurred for some reason; what I may never know, but the black clouds cleared and now the sun shines for me.
Forgiveness was not easy, far from it and it still hurts but I now feel sorry for those who did what they did. They have the problem which is very sad.
Bless your heart Michelle… I just came back to this article via your link on “whistleblowers” in your recent article re the “inner circle”… and saw your response here to my comment last April…
so 2 things…
i will give you an update via these links on how the overture was rec’d… it’s a work in progress as part of what synod 2018 decided is to create an overture committee which has had a number of meetings over the last number of months to process and vet the overture recommendations and bring back several of the recommendations to Synod 2019 for the denom to start implementing… and then a long term plan to process the rest of the recommendations over the next several years… so we will see how that will be rec’d in about 5 mos…
and the 2nd is a CS Lewis lecture on the “inner ring”… just in case you are not familiar with it… “The Inner Ring” was the Memorial Lecture at King’s College, University of London, in 1944. http://www.lewissociety.org/innerring/
thanks for letting God work through your voice Michelle!